She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
