Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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