why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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