Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
