I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
