if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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