she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
