remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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