You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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