I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
