when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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