Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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