I think im going to throw up on grandma
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
