I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
