Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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