she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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