dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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