He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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