if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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