I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
