and she was petting her beer can
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
