On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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