First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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