it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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