I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
