We won't sleep together?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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