Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
