i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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