I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
