***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize