I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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