don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
