just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
