I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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