I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
