quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
