She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
