It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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