I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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