Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize