in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
