Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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