what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
