Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
