Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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