His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
