I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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