for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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