You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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