so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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