i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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