Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
