im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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