Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
