Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
