I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
