Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
is that a dick in a sweater?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize