i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
