dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
