I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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