apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
