you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
